From my Anarchapulco 2023 talk. The article below adapts the main lessons from that presentation. Watch the recording for the full talk.
One of the hardest lessons I learned in the liberty movement was how difficult it can be to get along with people who share your ideas. We could agree about freedom on paper and still struggle with defensiveness, assumptions, and the way we spoke to each other.
I saw that in myself. If someone was short with me, I could become short with them. If I felt attacked, I felt justified in fighting back. Having the right philosophy did not automatically give me the tools to build the relationships I wanted.
In my 2023 Anarchapulco talk, I explained one of the tools our production team had put into practice: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Everyone on that year’s production team had read the book. The work was learning to use it when things became difficult.
Speak with care
The first agreement is to be impeccable with your word. For me, that reaches beyond telling the truth. I can think someone is behaving badly and still choose words that move the conversation toward the relationship I want to have.
Instead of calling someone a name, I can describe my own experience. I can say I feel angry and need to step away before I respond. I can take responsibility for what I say without trying to take responsibility for what someone else feels.
Gossip belongs in this conversation, too. Before I repeat something, I need to ask whether I actually know it is true.
Check the facts before you make assumptions
At the previous year’s event, two bags went missing. A team member wanted the emcee to announce that someone was stealing bags. But missing bags and stolen bags are different claims.
We had not finished investigating. Announcing theft from the stage could have spread a frightening story through the whole event. I asked us to slow down and find out what had happened.
The bags had been left on chairs. I had asked the venue to clear away empty chairs, and I realized the bags might have been moved along with them. Sure enough, the venue had them.
That was a practical lesson in the agreement not to make assumptions. A little investigation changed the story completely.
Let other people own their reactions
The situation also gave me a chance to practice not taking things personally. When I pushed back on the assumption of theft, the response was upset and reactive. I could recognize the fear behind it without turning it into a personal fight.
That does not mean abandoning boundaries. It means choosing my response instead of letting another person’s reaction choose it for me.
Do your best without rushing into a mistake
The fourth agreement is to always do your best. Sometimes that means working hard. Sometimes it means resting. In the missing-bags situation, it meant pausing long enough to investigate before making an announcement.
Doing more, or moving faster, would not have made the outcome better. Taking a breath helped us act with more care.
Practice the agreements in your own community
These four practices helped our team change how we worked together: speak with care, check assumptions, take responsibility for our reactions, and do our best in the circumstances we actually face.
They are useful in a production team, a family, a friendship, or an intentional community. Reading the book can introduce the ideas. A difficult moment gives us the chance to practice them.
For more on the community where my family lives, read my Greenbriar Community School interview. You can also explore current Anarchapulco events.
Recording: Anarchapulco 2023. This article is adapted from the talk rather than presented as a word-for-word transcript.